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ARCHERON (LV-426) — A grotesque creature scientists identified as a Xenomorph Queen reportedly elected to freeze its eggs until such time as it becomes "emotionally ready" to have offspring.
| Keywords | xenomorphaliensci-fiparodybabylon-beexenomorph-queeneggshorrorscience-fictionabsurditypop-culturesatire |
U.S. — The general public breathed a sigh of relief on Monday after it was revealed that a team of top scientists was hard at work trying to come up with a way to make the iPhone weather app even less accurate.
| Keywords | satireiphoneappleweather-apptechnologyscientistshumortech-failssmartphoneusparody |
BETHSAIDA — Reports confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth had successfully fed a crowd of 5,000 men, plus women and children, using just five barley loaves and two small fish, achieving an estimated cost-per-serving of approximately $0.0039.
| Keywords | babylon-beejesusbiblemiraclefeeding-the-5000christianityreligiongospelsatireeconomic-collapsebudgetingcost-of-livingfood-securityfaithspiritualcommentaryparodybiblicalmannaeconomy |
DALLAS, TX — Local husband Mark Higgins stood frozen in his kitchen Thursday morning, staring blankly at a glass jar labeled "Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread" while attempting to figure out if it belonged on his toast or his face.
| Keywords | humorsatirecomedyabsurditylifestyletexasmarriagefunnyfoodskincareparodysocial-interaction |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Due to a reportedly depleted supply of ballistic missiles following months of bombardment, military officials confirmed this week that "Operation Epic Fury" had officially been downgraded to "Operation Mildly Aggressive Fury."
| Keywords | satiremilitarymissilesballistic-missilesoperation-epic-furydefensenational-securitywarfareshortagewashington-dchumorbabylon-beemilitary-readinessbombardmentparody |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday the signing of an executive order to bring back racist pro sports team names, effective immediately.
| Keywords | trumpexecutive-ordersportspro-sportssatireparodypoliticsus-politicswhite-housesocial-commentarybabylon-bee |
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Coaches across the WNBA spoke to members of the press this week and admitted that they had no idea what the "W" in WNBA stands for.
| Keywords | wnbabasketballwomen-sportssatirehumorparodygender-rolesequality-debatesbabylon-beesports-controversyidentity-politicssocial-commentarywuhan-draftequityradical-leftred-green-axis |
NASHVILLE, TN — Podcast host Candace Owens explained to listeners that only the most highly-trained commandos could execute the crawling technique being shown as she played a video of a six-month-old baby inching across the floor.
| Keywords | candace-owensbabylon-beesatirecomedyparentingbabycrawlingpodcastnashvillelifestylecultural-critiqueparody |
DALLAS, TX — Citing extreme mental fatigue, local mother Sarah Jenkins made the decision this week to drop her children off for the first day of school roughly three weeks before the actual first day.
| Keywords | parentingschoolback-to-schoolhumorparodytexasdallasmental-fatiguefamilymomkidssatirelife-struggles |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Science has declined to answer any questions to avoid incriminating itself for crimes it may have committed.
| Keywords | sciencesatireparodywashington-dcabsurditypolitical-satiresocial-commentaryskepticismreligiondisbeliefhumor |