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BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - Local Church Under Fire For 'Book Of Judges' VBS Theme

MARBLE FALLS, TX — A local church found itself under fire this week after this year's Vacation Bible School theme centered around the biblical book ook of Judges, complete with lessons on murder by jawbone and swords engulfed in belly fat.

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - All Of Man's Trauma In Adulthood Can Be Traced Back To Watching 'The Secret Of NIMH' As A Child

SAN JOSE, CA — After years of therapy, a local man finally achieved a major breakthrough in determining the source of his trauma: watching Don Bluth's The Secret of NIMH from 1982.

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - Israelite Keeping Quiet That He Doesn't Particularly Care For Milk Or Honey

MOUNT SINAI — In light of continued encouragement that the Israelites would enter a land "flowing with milk and honey," one local Reubenite, later identified as Dathan son of Eliab, decided he should probably keep quiet about the fact that he doesn't particularly care for milk or honey.

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - Gas Pump Now Asks If You Want Car Wash, Receipt, Rewards, And If You Know The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow

U.S. — Before allowing customers to fill up with gas, pumps will now ask about a potential car wash, rewards membership, fuel additives, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - Can You Spot The 7 Clues In This Picture That This Family Homeschools?

Homeschool families used to be easy to spot, as twenty years ago the kids were all giant dorks. These days, it's a lot more difficult to figure out. Take a close look at this picture and see if you can spot all seven clues that this is a homeschool family:

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - British Government Gives Religious Exemption For Suicide Vests

LONDON — In an ongoing effort to balance religious freedom and public safety, the government of the United Kingdom decided to grant exemptions for committed Muslims who wish to don suicide vests for religious and ceremonial purposes.

BABYLONBEE (Babylon Bee) - Starmer Sets Up Commission To Respond To Attempted Beheading UPDATE: The Commission Has Been Beheaded

LONDON — According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.