SOUTH BEND, IN — The debate over dangerous pets heated up again after a woman took her pet velociraptor out for a walk and declared, "There aren't any bad pets, only bad owners."
ITHACA — Upon finally returning home after a desperate 20-year journey, Odysseus was informed by his wife Penelope that she was out of baking powder, and she asked if he could please run out again real quick.
SPRING HILL, TN — Local dad Dave Tibbets, whose wife and children were visiting relatives out of state, reportedly arrived at church at 6:00 AM on Sunday, a full 3.5 hours before the 9:30 AM service was scheduled to begin.
BROWNWOOD, TX — Local dad Grayson Kenny found his plan to work from home today utterly foiled by the people in his home.
LIMERICK, PA — In preparation for their Friday date night, local wife Allison Murphy informed her husband that she would be ready to go to dinner in 45 minutes, plus stoppage time.
MOBILE, AL — After surviving five consecutive days of "Jungle Quest: Following Jesus Into The Wild" just last month, local children Kate and Brayden Maxwell were reportedly sentenced by their parents to serve another week in the jungle at yet another Vacation Bible School across town.
BIRMINGHAM, AL — A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip.
SAN JOSE, CA — After years of therapy, a local man finally achieved a major breakthrough in determining the source of his trauma: watching Don Bluth's The Secret of NIMH from 1982.
CLAREMONT, NH — Local man Roger Taft, despite owning several mugs declaring him to be the world's greatest dad, has reportedly not even cracked the top five.
ROCKPORT, TX — Local man Jake Minter confirmed that he had now entered his 10th consecutive year of replying to every single text with only a single thumbs-up emoji.